Comments on: Can you <i>feel</i> it? http://karenism.com/blog/2006/05/21/can-you-ifeeli-it/ Deliciously geeky Mon, 08 Aug 2011 21:38:43 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: fugitivepeas http://karenism.com/blog/2006/05/21/can-you-ifeeli-it/comment-page-1/#comment-260 fugitivepeas Mon, 22 May 2006 00:00:54 +0000 http://karenism.com/blog/2006/05/21/can-you-ifeeli-it/#comment-260 thanks for the help! I will be playing with it for the next few days. Your tips will be very useful. I love your writing. thanks for the help! I will be playing with it for the next few days. Your tips will be very useful. I love your writing.

]]> By: icka http://karenism.com/blog/2006/05/21/can-you-ifeeli-it/comment-page-1/#comment-259 icka Sun, 21 May 2006 19:51:12 +0000 http://karenism.com/blog/2006/05/21/can-you-ifeeli-it/#comment-259 you portray awkwardness/arousal well. you've also done a nice job with description and imagery. this is particularly good: <i>You pinch a lock of my hair between you fingers as if it doesn't scare you anymore. Don't worry. I took the snakes out long ago. Your eyes focus on your thumb as it traces circles on my wrist. Little charges of electricity course through my body everywhere you touch me.</i> you're very visceral and bodily-focued, which gives your reader a nice, sensual experience. my only comments would be to change the opening sentence. you've done a very effective job with 2nd-person narration, but <i>Though you are relaxed, your heart beats at a brisk pace</i> was unclear to me. i wondered who was being addressed; the narrator dialoguing with herself or the narrator addressing another. of course, this became clear rather quickly, but perhaps experiment with different ways to start the piece. in the 2nd paragraph, you use the word "some" several times. try experimenting with substitues for this word - "some" is passive and can weaken the tone and voice of writing. (i got reamed for this so much in my lit courses in college.) you also use "warm" a few times - just try different adjectives and see what you can come up with! additionally, i thought the "melting/drowning/floating" bit was nice. very ophelia. you portray awkwardness/arousal well. you’ve also done a nice job with description and imagery. this is particularly good: You pinch a lock of my hair between you fingers as if it doesn’t scare you anymore. Don’t worry. I took the snakes out long ago. Your eyes focus on your thumb as it traces circles on my wrist. Little charges of electricity course through my body everywhere you touch me. you’re very visceral and bodily-focued, which gives your reader a nice, sensual experience.

my only comments would be to change the opening sentence. you’ve done a very effective job with 2nd-person narration, but Though you are relaxed, your heart beats at a brisk pace was unclear to me. i wondered who was being addressed; the narrator dialoguing with herself or the narrator addressing another. of course, this became clear rather quickly, but perhaps experiment with different ways to start the piece.

in the 2nd paragraph, you use the word “some” several times. try experimenting with substitues for this word – “some” is passive and can weaken the tone and voice of writing. (i got reamed for this so much in my lit courses in college.) you also use “warm” a few times – just try different adjectives and see what you can come up with!

additionally, i thought the “melting/drowning/floating” bit was nice. very ophelia.

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